Hey guys, everything kind of sucks right now. I am pretty unable to face work and also general life. I am wrapping 5 years worth of cords around my neck and letting it strangle some perfectly good living and life out of me and my cat is scared, hiding under the bed and won't come out for cuddles. I have SO MUCH GOOD STUFF IN MY LIFE AND I CANNOT GET OVER THE TONNE OF BRICKS HEART ACHE THAT IS IN MOST OF MY ORGANS ACTUALLY THAT MAKES EVERY SINGLE DAY A STRUGGLE.
Seriously, fuck this. On Monday night I swallowed around 60-70 pills and ended up in hospital again which was my own stupid fault. I can not get it together, life! I am so sorry for sharing this with you, but I get bad at keeping actually diaries and i guess sometimes there is no one to really talk to, not even Sean because he cannot really know about some of this, although he does, I just don't feel like he needs to have this stupid heaviness too. i killed my chilli plant as well and i am having trouble getting out of bed, standing up without falling over blah blah blah.
This post sounds basically identical the posts I made when I was about 16 except less whimsical. I think I thought total heartbreak was fun then?
Please don't judge me for it, no doubt I will get embarrassed and remove it pretty soon. I am so scared of people making fun of me for feeling this way.
I wrote a note on Monday night on word. i didn't save it, so it was not really permanent, so i guess I knew I was coming back home. It said 'The same reason as always.' I'm so sorry. You don't need to hear this. I used to get made fun of on the internet by girls I didn't know. I still see them around and think about the damage they did, but here I am on the internet leaving myself wide opening again. That was not the reason I took the pills this time or last time. But I have been thinking about it.
I think everyone knows the reason. Maybe not the full and total reason but at least the outlines of the reason. That makes me feel so ashamed. What about my Grandad? What about my brother? I don't care, this one is worth being selfish for.
I DO BLAME YOU FOR THIS. I WAS LYING BEFORE. I REALLY DO.